Leaving this out in the open

i just need to get it out. The past two hours are fucked up. Its an incredible wave of emotions. I thought i was in need of therapy then decided no then i thought id never be loved again then thought who the fuck cares then i self diagnosed myself with schizophrenia symptoms for the past six months. Then realized im probably not like that but when i have struggles and hard times like that, i shouldnt be an option to ditch. I carried him through so fucking much. He passed his junior year of high school because of me and i literally wheel chaired him around and fed him whenever he had his issues that he cant control. But suddenly i need help and he couldnt stand by my side and even try to talk to me... And he continued using me and i told him how he could help and how he could not piss me off and how i could be happier with him and he just ignored a lot of it anyways. Im fucked up by the fact i thought if him as family but you dont treat a family like an option. You treat them like you want ever best possible perfect thing to happen and you guide them through and support them in every which way possible. So im not happy that this is where i am.