Have you ever heard the song Pretend by LIGHTS? To start with, LIGHTS is a great artist. She's passionate and takes you to a different world. To end with, that song, is life. Not my life. Just life. What ever happened to innocence? What ever happened to love? What ever happened to life? What ever happened to the love of life? I guess we'll never know. But, in general, it's gone.
Today, I realized how easily it can all just... disappear. That innocence that LIGHTS talks about? That's exactly what I'm talking about. I got home from Peru a little less than a week ago, and my best friend didn't text me back. After a few days of calling her entire family, I texted her, trying to be funny of course, "R u alive?" I didn't know that that was really a serious question.
She boiled apple seeds. I know no more. I wasn't there to talk with her. I wasn't there to help her. I wasn't there to tell her how final it all was. Why her? Why me? Why anyone?
I don't understand teenagers. I am one, but am I different? I think so, but, in this case, I like being different.
Everyone just takes suicide as such a joke. Does anyone really know how final it is? Does anyone realize who will miss you? Does anyone really ask themselves these questions? No.They only think about the pain of the moment or how cool it sounds to say that killing themself is the best way to avoid telling their parents they failed a dumb chemistry test.
This is the third person I've had to deal with concerning suicide within two years. These people are/were close to me. So is it my presence? Is it their life? Their terrible, horrible life that's so terrible it's worth ending early? I think not.
Maggie: She was the only goalkeeper for my soccer team in 2009. She hung herself in the closet after her final soccer practice. I later found out that she was bullied. She seemed so happy, and I guess that was her way of saying goodbye. There was something dark and deep to her. But I could see her growing old with someone. I'm sorry that she felt the best way to get rid of her pain was to end it permanently. You've probably read her story in J-14 magazine. I wished that would never have happened. I wear her bracelet everyday since I got it after her death. RIP Maggers.
She felt so alone. But I was there. She could have talked to me. I was there. Why didn't she want to talk to me? I was there. She was in the darkest pit of her life. I am here. I am sorry. I am missing her.
Jenna*: We all know that girl that has the secret boyfriend. The girl that's so happy and has everything that she could possibly want on the outside? On the inside, her family sucked. Her boyfriend loves her, until she gets clingy. Her boyfriend loves her, until he realizes he's a secret. She wanted to kill herself.
I talked to her. I was there. She talked. I talked. It was ok. But it was a scare. I'm sorry for her.
Sarah*: Today, I found out she spent a week in a psychiatric ward. I can't believe that she would even try to take her own life. It's sad. I can't believe it. It makes no sense. But I love her. I made her promise, after Maggie's death, that she would never try anything. But she did. I wasn't there. I wish I were. I'm sorry that I wasn't. I'm sorry I can't leave my friends. I'm sorry that maybe it is my presence that makes everyone nuts and teenagers and makes them want to...
I don't understand teenagers at all. It happens way too much. I love these people. I want to help them. But who will be there to help me cope. I can handle life and I would never go to extents of normal teenagers. That's just not how it will happen. But who will help me when I'm down, when I need new life, when I want something from life. I can't help everyone all the time. I want to. So to everyone out there. I'm here. I have experience with that sort of thing. I'll love you. All I ask is a promise in return. I think you can guess what that promise is, but if you can't... Talk to me. Talk to anyone. But don't let life get the best of you. You should get the best of life.
*= name is changed
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